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So this weekend the only thing I’ve been focused on doing with my life is becoming Instafamous, Twitterfamous, and Regular Famous. What does that mean? I want to be somebody big with doing something little. Yes, my goal in life right now is to become a quasi-celeb via internet. Bloggers are seen as the filth of the world, but I’m okay with that. All I ever wanted to be was the next Britney Spears, but soon she’ll want to be the next brookitaa. Here’s my thought process why being instafamous is so wonderfully fabulous.

Pros:

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a) I can live in the Cyber Universe and refuse a 9-5 job.

b) I will be forced to look good and be funny at all hours of the day.

c) I have to shower and get out of bed to please my cyber fans.

d) I can try out new crazy things without anyone judging me.

e) I will exceed 12 likes on an Instagram photo and (HOPEFULLY!) finally get a retweet.

Cons:

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a) I will live in the Cyber universe.

b) I will be forced to look good at all hours of the day. (I’m always funny.)

c) I have to shower and get out of bed to please my cyber fans.

d) I have no cyber fans. I am a cat lady for all you know.

e) I have no talents.

After a long conversation with Amanda – aka a 1-minute conversation during our slumber party in my gorgeous bed (see below) as we both were passing out from alcohol and exhaustion – we came up with a few options for my soon-to-be cyber success.

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1. I can make a fashion blog like every other <120 lb. 20-something girl living in NYC.

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Issues: I’m not the most fashionable sister (Sammy dresses me every single day), oh and I’m currently living in Misery AKA Missouri (term coined by my immigrant grandfather). I’ll go broke just trying to find followers. Oh, and clothes don’t look extra fabulous on a mere 60 inches of bod…

2. I can become a Celiac Guru.

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Issues: I already am, and people are annoyed by it. How many times can I make a joke about Gee Eff? That’s so freshman year. And also I sound super obsessed with food, which is untrue because I’m obsessed with snacks, not food. Yes, I live on a diet of cookies, chips, and high-calorie snickity snacks. And talking about gluten, health, and the medical field all day sounds like a snooze fest. Like, as if.

3. I can have a web series.

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This seems like the only viable option. Have you watched #CandidlyNicole on AOL? (AOL is still a thing.) It is actually my life only with better clothes and chicer guests. Nicole Richie, I’m the next you. You are the inspiration towards my meal ticket and future quasi-celeb status. No T No Shade, I’m coming for you.

So here’s the plan, not that anyone is reading this. I will make a hilarious web series that is really just my actual life in the midwest. I have a big mouth on a little body, and people actually smile and respond to conversations out here unlike the east coast. It shouldn’t be THAT hard. Then, I will become the E! News Host. Simultaneously, I will open my own gluten free bakery (follow my insta @WhatTheGF) and have a reality series – a more hilarious version of Georgetown Cupcake. Eventually I will hang out with David Franco and the next Disney star at the Kids Choice Awards, have my own Sears clothing line, and eventually be in a Skechers ad – hopefully for their Bobs aka Toms rip offs. It’s gonna happen, bitches. Mark my wordpress words. Until then, like and follow me on errthang and boost my morale. If you don’t, I won’t even know because as far as I’m concerned, no one is reading this.

peace, love, yo momma,

brookitaa

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